Fervent- Your Past

I had planned on posting about the each section of Fervent as I read it, but life happened. I do want to post about the chapter on your past (chap. 5) because of how impactful it was on my life. I recently started meeting with someone I asked to be my mentor. I had shared with her some of my past sins and current ones that I was struggling with. "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16)

She asked me if I had forgiven myself. I hadn't. I know that God forgives. I had asked Him to forgive me; I knew in my head that He did but my heart was having a hard time accepting it. That night I was really beating myself up about it. The next morning I looked up scriptures on forgiveness.
"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." I John 1:9


I also read the next chapter (chap. 5) in Fervent. It was about your past. How timely! The introduction really opened my eyes and hit me. Yes, Satan does this to me!
"If I were your enemy, I'd constantly remind you of your past mistakes and poor choices, I'd want to keep you burdened by shame and guilt, in hopes that you'll feel incapacitated by your many failings and see no point in even trying again. I'd work to convince you that you've had your chance and blown it- that your God may be able to forgive some people for some things, but not you..not for this." (pg. 93) 

Instead of feeling and celebrating God's grace and forgiveness I felt shame and undeserving. This chapter reminded me then and now, almost a month later, that instead of feeling guilt and shame and guilt I should be celebrating all the grace that God has given me! And that it should bring me closer to God not make me feel like I should be running in shame from Him like Adam and Eve did. 

I still struggle with sin (who doesn't?). I need to be remembering that God's grace is freely given and when I mess up I need to turn to God instead of the wanting to hid from Him. Satan loves to rewind scenes from my past (even as recent has yesterday) in my head taunting me with them, even though I have confessed them to God.  It is a hard thine accepting forgiveness. I forgive others easily. I just need to learn how to forgive myself!